Get fit, eat right, be more organised – the list of annual resolutions that are made (and broken) each year is endless. If you’re a parent, we’ve saved you the trouble: here are 10 New Year’s resolutions NOT to make.
1. I will go to the toilet alone
With the door closed. And I won’t answer any questions about what I’m doing or help assemble LEGO while I’m in there. Now, if someone could just explain this to all the children of the world, we’re set.
2. I will keep the car clean
… until that trip to the zoo where the kids won’t stop screaming, so you let them eat an entire box of Cheezels and smear their orange hands all over the seats. Then we’ll just go back to treating the car as the uber/storage/rubbish bin that it should be.
3. I will never be late to kinder/school
I will set my alarm 30 minutes early just so I have extra time to scrape play dough off a sun hat, have an intense debate about hair clips, find my phone (it’s in the sand pit), and wait patiently while my child eats breakfast at a sloth’s pace. And I will never, ever be late. Ahem.
4. I will not feed my family take away
Yes! Let’s forgo the January sales and head to the organic food market instead, where we’ll all load up on quinoa and goji berries and resist the kids nagging for pizza for an entire 365 days … said no mother, ever.
5. I will stop talking about poo
Yes, that cliché stops here. I am a grown woman. I don’t need to discuss the contents of nappies or the colour and frequency of evacuations. I will never, ever, ever … OH WOW! YOU DID POO POO IN THE POTTY! HOORAY!
6. I will go on date nights
I will plan monthly – no, weekly – romantic dates with my significant other. For the first one, I think we’ll book a babysitter and buy expensive front row tickets to an amazing concert, then cancel when the whole house comes down with Covid THAT NIGHT.
7. I will ban television
Imagine a world with no Bluey? No Paw Patrol? No nagging for a Disney Princess castle. Ahhh, bliss! And now imagine a world where the kids have woken up at 4.30am and you have a teeny weeny hangover from NYE celebrations. You can either turn on the TV and “rest your eyes,” or get up and make everyone breakfast while the kids belt out a symphony on their new toys. Yup, hand me the remote.
8. I will stop eating chocolate
Admit it. You have hidden in a cupboard to eat a chocolate bar so you don’t have to share with your kids. And you’ll do it again. And it’s OK.
9. I will take a TikTok/Internet break
Who are we kidding? There are meals crying out to be Instagrammed and choreographed dances to be mastered! Get back on your iPhone now!
10. I will make things I pin on Pinterest
No, I won’t. Because if I do, it will turn out like this:
So there you have it: we officially give you permission to tear up your resolutions, order a pizza, break out the Tim Tams and let the kids go crazy. You’re welcome!
