Secret mum business ahead!
Some things said between parents should stay between parents, so plonk the kids in front of something interesting (mashed banana, house keys, Pokémon Go) and take a moment to absorb some giggly parenting guidelines.
With tips for feeding, cleaning, soothing and living with kids, here are 17 funny things all mums need to know.
Laugh now, thank us later!
1. No-one ever died from eating spaghetti sauce that comes in a jar.
Or a can.
2. The wet wipe is the greatest invention in the history of the universe.
Seriously. How did we not know about these before having a baby?
3. Pets make excellent vacuum cleaners.
Don’t have time to get out the Dyson? Just let the dog in after dinner.
4. A Peppa Pig Band-aid works better than a normal Band-aid.
5. A quiet toddler is a suspicious toddler.
If you own a permanent marker, prepare for the worst.
6. Dinner is never fast, even if the food is.
Let it be known that children eat dinner at the speed of a snail and dessert at the speed of Usain Bolt.
7. Painting is an awesome kids’ activity …
… as long as it’s at someone else’s house/daycare/school. Ditto for any craft that involves the word ‘glitter’.
8. A ‘sleep-in’ is a historical term, not used in the present day.
Replace with ‘coffee’.
9. The Tooth Fairy may or may not be real.
But the Milk-guzzling Fairy certainly exists. How else can one family consume so much milk?
10. There’s a good chance that you’ll start calling your partner, “dad”.
Do not be alarmed. Even if he calls you “mummy”. Okay, be a bit alarmed.
11. If you need some quiet time, play hide and seek.
The trickier your spot, the longer it will take kiddies to find you, so consider hiding on the moon.
12. If a mum wears stilettos to the playground, it’s a bit unusual.
If a toddler goes along dressed as The Incredible Hulk, it’s perfectly normal. Just roll with it.
13. Grandparents are keen (like, crazy keen) to buy things for grandchildren.
14. Napisan fixes everything.
Whether you’re a parent of five or one, the great stain remover is a mum’s BFF.
15. Set your clocks back three hours to allow for delays in exiting the house.
You’ll probably still be late, and at least one of your kids will only be wearing one shoe, but at least not as late as you might have been!
16. Little people take up a lot of room in your heart. And your house.
Stealth operations to donate toys to charity and donate artworks to the recycling bin are fine. As long as you don’t get caught in the act. Then it’s really bad.
17. Children are amazing, adorable, enlightening and fulfilling.
Especially when they’re asleep.
Got some funny mummy tips of your own? We love funny, so feel free to get in touch.