50 things every mum thinks during labour

After nine months of growing a little human, it’s finally time – the contractions have started, the baby is coming and our minds are racing with every thought possible.

We asked our HUGE Facebook community of mums what crazy thoughts went through their heads during labour – and it makes for hilarious reading.

50 hilarious thoughts every mum has while giving birth

From those delicate ideas about maintaining some dignity to wanting to murder everyone in the delivery suite, here are 50 things every mum thinks during labour.

1. Please don’t poop, please don’t poop.
2. I’m done, I’m going home.
3. This is so much worse than I imagined.
4. Why is the epidural taking SO LONG?!
5. Please don’t let the epidural paralyse me.
6. Just reach in there and pull the freaking thing out!
7. It’s not gonna fit.
8. I wanna go to sleep. Night, night.
9. I didn’t know you could be having a contraction and throw up at the same time.
10. Can I have another 40 weeks to think this through?
11. So hungry.
12. F$%@ckkkkkkkkk!
13. I wish my Husband would stop sucking on the gas.
14. Why is the midwife farting? Does she not realise we can hear her? Bet she is trying to blame me.
15. If we can put a man on the moon why can’t we do something to make this easier?
16. You can’t make me push again, I’m done.
17. I’m never having sex again!
18. Did she just say only 5cm?
19. It can’t get any worse, can it?
20. Is it too late to meet with a surrogate?
21. This is nothing like on TV.
22. I am not Leyton Hewitt, stop shouting ‘come on!’.
23. If I don’t look it won’t hurt as much.
24. Make it stop, I’m not ready.
25. Please let me be 10cm.
26. Did I just shart?
27. Stop touching me.
28. How big IS this baby?!
29. Did I just wet myself?
30. Are they laughing? Is my husband really laughing with the midwife while I’m DYING?!
31. I am breathing!!
32. If I close my eyes this will all go away.
33. Why are they talking about me like I can’t hear?!
34. This baby is never coming out.
35. No, I don’t want a sip of water – wine, I need wine!
36. Could there be any more people looking at my vagina?
37. Did they say cut?!
38. I AM PUSHING!!
39. That little head burns!
40. No, I don’t want to look.
41. Maybe I do want to look.
42. Head’s out, pretty sure we can just stop here.
43. I want my mum.
44. Who’s idea was kids in the first place?!
45. I’m going remember how much this hurt so I never do it again.
46. So tired, can’t push.
47. Please don’t say ‘one more push’ again.
48. My vagina’s gonna be broken.
49. This is the last time I’m ever doing this.
50.  I want another baby.

Read next …

Want a little more birthing comic relief? Here are some other rib-tickling articles to get you laughing your way through labour:

• The anti-push playlist: songs NOT to play during labour
• Funny videos of dads in labour
• 19 hilarious steps to bringing baby home